Dear Kim Jonghyun,

I was listen to LOVE song by SHINee when the news broke out.

Yesterday was stressing, depressing and the most brokenheart day in my life as a Shawols.

SHINee is the reason why I am into Kpop, you guys, the reason on why my life seems brighter and happier for the past years.

SHINee will always stay as 5 in my heart.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

It was shocking, it was hard to accept the truth that now you’re part of the star in the sky up there. In the Diamond Sky.

So many thoughts across this mind on why and how. But again, I remember that you used to said that you’re having this illness. The Depression, its the incurable one. The dark thoughts that creeps and kills you unconsciously. The anxiety, insecurity of the imperfect things that never planned as you wish for, I guess?

I understand that even patience has it owns limit and so does negative things. It take a toll on you, right? It must be so hard  and too much for you to cope up and try to stand strong on no matter what the situation, until you decided to leave your family. To leave us.

Yesterday, this breath was hitch, it was cut off when I heard the news. Body was shaking so bad, fingers can’t explain how much it keep trembling for the next hours. Trying so hard to not cry a mess, trying so hard to accept the truth. There’s a slight of a wishful thinking, that maybe there’s this 1% of chance. But your body was too tired to survive.

So many signs that you actually left to us but fail to notice. And as always, regrets came later after we lost you. I should’ve known something is not right when you look sad in your last concert. I should’ve pay more attention to your lyrics, there’s so many hidden messages there. I should’ve known when you said you want to rest by the end of this year.

The mask that you’ve been wear all this time finally it break into pieces.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

Was it okay if I assuming that you’ve been waiting to do this after The Leader’s birthday passing by? So we could celebrate his happy day first, right…?

Was it okay if I want to be selfish for this one time? Wishing that this was all just a joke and april fools and dreams and we’re all wake up with a happy feelings and nothing bad ever happened?

Do you remember that you’re the one who said that its not SHINee if its not 5 members? Because we all do.

We all now losing and missing and mourning and I’m sorry for crying a mess because losing the precious you. I know that all you want just us to move on and remembering your good days, good memories. I was lucky I’ve met and watched you before and you were so happy those times.

Now,

How was up there, Jonghyun-ssi?

I wish now you’re happier. And could feel the real happiness like how I felt from all the love you gave.

You did live well down here, Jonghyun-ssi. You did so many good things that uncountable, even after the death too. The angels up there must be happy counting on your good deeds. Oh also, Shawols said that now you’re part of the angels too.

SHINee got 4 members and 1 angel they said.

SHINee will always be 5. And Shawols will always be there. We… will try our best to stay and stand strong.

On a side note, you guys, SHINee is the reason on why I am into Kpop. But again, I am okay if you guys decided to never had a comeback or even a disband. So there’d be no scars, hurts and regrets that haunting. And to live freely as you wish for, as long that makes you happy.

Even in the next life, The Leader wish if he could back as SHINee then he would like the same members to fill the post. If there’s an afterlife after this life, I wish that would happen with a more happy and no more dark thoughts consuming and killing you.

The love that we had is an unconditionally one.

Those happy days, those wishful thinking to stay 1000 years~ to always by your side. They’re now gather as one in a Diamond Sky. The beautiful sky where only SHINee and Shawols does exist as one. The beautiful green rain that came from and for our lives, will remain as a good memory, and will always be the most beautiful rain and ocean that I’ve ever take a part of.

Imma’ take a moment to breathe and let those sad and worry feelings to go,

Need to stay strong for the rest of the members, right?

Just like one of your song,

So goodbye, don’t cry and smile.

This is not a farewell, this is not a goodbye.

We will meet again someday, somewhere.

With love,

Tannya Cantiqa, Dec 19th 2017. 

---

I post this on my Tumblr too.

Ending Page.

(I promise to an old friend to not being salty, but this is the last time, ok.)
(and this one, is dedicated to myself, as a reminder. to not live in shades of grey anymore.)

it took 6 years.

it took 6 years for a person to ruin a relationship.

it took 6 years later for me to realize that I had this blog post.

which ironically,

happened to me,

(almost, exactly or more) 6 years later.

its a bullshit when a person said that he loves you,

after he called someone else with a pet name.

(bitch, I knew we're both not the cute and romantic couple ever, but seriously? disgusting)

its a bullshit when a person said that there's no way he gonna ruin everything for someone else that (I believe) has a better appearance than the one that person already has.

even after a few weeks, 

even after I (kinda) found out the truth,

I don't think I really need to know the real reason of why that person do that horribly thing.

all the reason that you said to me.. you think I'm gonna believe that?

a liar will always be.

liar, liar.

after almost a year living in shades of grey, 

living in overthinking and feeling insecure,

(and I always believe that my guts, my feelings never gone wrong)

the truth finally unveils itself,

and I believe, I deserves to be happy.

to be happier than I already am.

1. please, make some boundaries.
2. before you do something, think first. was it okay if I do what you did?
3. I'm trying to take care of your feelings, I hope you do the same.
4. no need to kills me with the white lies. fuck secrets, you said to open up but fuck that too. just talk and tell the truth. I'm good.
4. I'm not being anxious and don't-know-what-to-feel-now for no reason, because insecurities kills. 
6. maybe I just don't give a damn anymore if the same thing or similiar pattern happen again.
7. because I deserves to be happy. in any kind of way.
.
.
.
.
.
.
sometimes, the colorful life could turn into grey, into ashes in a blink of an eye. - Tannya Cantiqa, 2017.

no, I may not the most saint person that you may know.

I will never forgive those who lied and hurt me.

maybe someday, 

time will tell.

its a lie if I say that it's easy,

it's hard, and it hurts so much.

I've grown attach and getting used to it,

but then that person just ruin everything.

as that person always said that we need to be honest to each other.

its a bullshit.

maybe this year were not meant for us, and so God finally gave the light to me.

or maybe God just don't have a heart to see me ; the naive me ; the super honest and nice me (in the past relationship with that person), living in grey for some times.

I always said that a relationship is a work for 2 people that involves in it. 

even after some fights I still have some faith,

to take care of that person heart, that person mind,

and because Karma does fucking exist.

but it goes wasted because that person ruined it,

because that person didn't care about my feelings ; my heart when that person decided to do that sin thing.

that low thing.

I will never blame those other person who come and go after that person. 

(since I don't know the truth, how many specifically)

I will never forgive them either, for knowing the truth about that person life and go stalking about me (this is the funniest part tbh) but still longing for that person's heart.

look, since a relationshit takes 2 head of a person that involves in it, I will never blame that bitch side or that person side. 

both sides are at fault.

and disgusting.

someone even said that I am lucky for having that person.

well, I was.

not after that person hurting my heart terribly and left a deep scar.

what goes around comes around.

hey,

I'm not being a big headed here but,

do you think you gonna find someone who gonna love you like I did?

do you think you gonna find someone else that could accept you for who you are? your flaws, your bad side, your dark side and other else, just like how I did?

do you remember when you said that you don't need a new person in your life because you need the one that understand you the most? that been with you through thick and thin?

fucking lies, bullshit.

well, good luck with that.

as I said before, its not easy to change everything.

especially when people and friends around you know on how long.

6 fucking years and goes wasted.

CTRL + DEL

won't let it rotten on Recycle Bin, right?

being loyal is a choice of your own life.

Can you blame me for being heartless when I had my fuckin’ heart ripped out? - Here Come The Regrets, Epik High ft. Lee Hi.

Nov 23rd 2k17,

The one who need a happier life than I had before, back to the square one.

Tannya Cantiqa.

because I'm bored, so I take a Q&A session from tumblr

I took the questions from here. I did it and post it on my tumblr too, because I'm bored.
Enjoy! 

A. Why did your last relationship end?
B. Favourite band?
C. Does someone like you?
D. Sleep position?
E. Who is your best friend?
F. Do you have an online best friend as well?
G. What kind of job do you have?
H. Do I smoke/drink?
I. Have any tattoos or piercings?
J. Are you currently in school?
K. What is your relationship with your parents?
L. Do you have insecurities? If so, name one.
M. Are you a virgin? 
N. Favourite place to shop at?
O. What are the color of your eyes? 
P. What do you love about summer?
Q. What is your relationship status?
R. Favourite song at the moment?
S. Are you often mistaken to be older or younger?
T. What age do you get mistaken for?
U. Are you going out of town anytime soon?
V. When was the last time you cried?
W. Have you ever fallen up the stairs?
X. What would you do if the person you like died?
Y. Last time you where in the hospital? 
Z. How are you? 

answer: because I had nothing to do atm

A. Long Distance Relationship

B. 30 Seconds To Mars (well, the first band and no kpop)

C. I guess…?

D. Facing someone/something like wall, no matter to the left or right

E. My sister 

F. Yep, not only from tumblr

G. IT officer

H. Definitely not.

I. Piercings on ears

J. Nope. Graduate 2 years ago

K. Parents and Children? Daughter?

L. Being in a crowded place

M. Depends on how you think

N. Bookstore. I love shopping for books.

O. Dark chocolate

P. The drinks that only available and suits for summer

Q. In a Relationship 

R. Zion T - Eat

S. Older

T. 25 something? 

U. Tomorrow. Gonna watch a concert.

V. Three days ago? bcs of too much laughing

W. Yes. Too often.  I’m that clumsy ;-;

X. Cry…. and pray for the best of him/her

Y. Last week. Visit someone tho~

Z. Not good. Guess who catch a cold in summer?

So, any curious thing that you like to ask?

xo,

cantiqas

people who are meant to be in my life ; and one of them is her.

I might have already told about one of my girls, my best girls in here. Yesterday, I found the quote above on my tumblr dashboard. And I was like: wow, this is so true.

Among all crazy, random and stupidness things stories etc etc that we've been through since high school (read as: 9 years ago) sadly or maybe luckily (because I didn't have a heart to share our goofiness) I only had one blog entry about our random thing, the old one. You can read again by click on this link. And I'm truly sorry for the way I write for the blog and for our selfie at that time. Well, 9 years ago! :))

People around her called her by her nickname like Nino or Karina/Kar etc etc. But I don't exactly remember when... It's her that started first that we called by our own nickname. No, I'm not going to tell you. ^^ And so, we rarely or never call by our own name. She did call me Tannya or Tania a couple weeks ago for fun and it sounds weird. Awkward. :))

We're a chairmate since the first day of hi-school 'til we're graduate. Yep, we stayed in the same class for three years. All bad and good things we've been through. Including our love-life part. Oh, don't forget that we're in a Student Council (OSIS) too. The bittersweet stories that we had during high-school not only one or two, but a lot. Not to mention that we're a seat-mate at the bus too everytime the school held a field-trip. :))

We're living in a different world. Let's say that she's in a grade A and I'm in B, or C. She's the smart one, and I'm the one that need some help. She joined a Dance Group as her school activity, and I prefer the English Club. She's the artsy one, the artist and I'm the behind the scene one. She's the popular one, and I'm the-not-so-called-geek-because-I'm-not. And I just realized now... I'm hoping that people/our friends back in hi-school didn't see us in a weird way. Because of our different personalities, appearences, etc etc. But yeah, that's us.  We share the same music interest, the list of the person that we (must) hate (just bcs we feel like it), the stupidity thing that only the two of us know. Now it sounded like we're a couple... :))

Then, another new chapter started when we graduate from hi-school. I stay in the same place, going to college and meet new friends. She moves to another town, her hometown, going to college and meet her new friends too. As far as I remember... we didn't even say goodbye because everything happen so fast. But, whats the use of goodbye if we'll meet again? ;)

The first year of college life means busy as hell. Well, we still got some time to play but still... I even almost forgot that we're not in the same town anymore, and sometimes we talked via social-media or texts. After some months... or on our second year of college, finally we meet again. That's a pretty long time. Even the awkwardness is thick but not really thick. The things that we talk about are different too. Sometimes we still talk about boys, a love-life but then mostly we talk about our college life, what makes us stress and crazzzy from the major that we choose and sometimes about the future, about our friends. Ah, I just remember that we went to 30Seconds To Mars concert together! :))

Well for now, sometimes we talk about... are we in a proper age to get married? Why do they (our friends) get married so fast? Aren't we still too young? hahahaha! 

Another new chapter has started into our life since last year. Well, we finally graduate from college and got our title to put behind our name. And we work in the same town right now~ It's not that we could meet up everyday tho'... Because of the time, traffic etc etc. But we used to meet once or twice in a year, for now... at least once a month. or twice or maybe thrice. :))

She, kinda meant to be in my life. (besides my family&boyf) As my bestgirl. As the one who keep coming back to me even we separate for some times, some years. As a good friend of mine that I cherish the most. It started to sound cheesy. :))

I had no idea that a stranger that sit beside me as my first chairmate going to be my friend. For... 9 years. I'm kinda hoping that nothing's going to change. Even if we had a different life, ways, thought, opinion, appearances, personalities, times, city, etc etc we're still in touch. Still being my goofy/random partner. How random is she? or How random are we? You can say her random-ness thingy lvl isn't that high just because she asked me to accompany her to buy some book at a book-store and a toothbrush... at FoodHall. or another day when she asked me if I'm busy or not because she craving for some Korean Food. I'm kinda expecting what she gonna ask me again. Being a good friend I am... I still go with her. :))





 







Time flies fast.
No matter how far or how long we go and separate from each other, we still meet again.
Thankyou.







xo,
cantiqas

2014: surprising and grateful year.

it's funny, how I decided to hiatus from blogging for some times but I couldn't resist to blogging again. or maybe I just need again my comfort space to tell all the things that running in my mind.

~♥♥♥♥♥♥♥~

(since I keep this post as draft last month)
2014, December. It's been a year since the I graduate from college, got my title so I can proudly use it behind my name. And now, I'm an office worker already. Lots of thing I learned from this year, the bad and the good thing. But the most important thing, I learn how to be grateful. 

It's not like I never be grateful before, but... just be more grateful, for everything. 

For example: I may not pretty or skinny like other girls, but I still love myself, have a happy life - meanwhile other else struggling enough to make their self to (be/look) pretty with lots of and super heavy-failed make up -_- or not having any lunch in order to be skinny~ in a bad way. For me, when you have a happy life means you enjoy your life to the fullest! And who's to judge you or tell you that you are pretty? Yourself, and the people around you. Because when you're happy that's where the Inner Beauty or The Aura inside you shining.

Another story that I feel so grateful: I'm into Kpop. I know it's kinda' are you kidding me? or where have you been, just now? Psssh~ short story, it's been a year or two actually that I'm into this one boyband and girlband, but no I'm not that krazzzy to spazzz and fangirling over them. And there's some of things that I should be grateful for this one because first, my boyfriend seems fine and still accept me for who I am even after too much fangirling~ and please note this: that he didn't feel any jealous or else. Second, I finally watched my verrrrrrrrrry first time Kpop concert with my verrry first own salary. If any of you read my Twitter around last March-June (which means the period times to feel super excited) and or any of you stalk or following me on Instagram, means you know exactly what group I am talking about. Or maybe on my Tumblr? because it's so damn obvious, lol~ and I should be so much grateful because I got a chance to the soundcheck party~ happy enough, self? No.  Me and another fans was like a krazzzzzzzzzzy girls because of that moment. and don't forget that I met a lot of new friends and they're being so nice to me and even younger than me and I feel so old around them hahahaha~~!! ;-;

Wait, you don't feel curious I went to the concert with who? All by myself~!! Even my boyfriend trust me enough~~ :))
And to added more that I had a chance in another way to make new friends because of this Kpop thing. it's not like I never made another friends before, it's just different. there's another feel~ y'know.

~♥♥♥♥♥♥♥~

now I hate that I kinda stuck and don't know what to write.

since I should go back to work, gonna talk to you later, blog!







xx,
cantiqas.

20th.

akhirnya kepala dua. ._.


anyway, last saturday (january 7th'12) was the greatest saturday night.
thanks to @regyregoy, @kim_bnz @dyahbokiil @anggatriyadong @ekoarief. i love you.


sebelumnya, hari Jum'at 6/01/12, Regy janji mau nemenin cari apple pie buat gue besok.
gue iya-iya aja, tapi gue bilang kalo ngga bisa juga gapapa.
hari Jum'at itu juga gue pesen 35hokben buat temen-temen sekelas gue :)


hari Sabtu 7/01/12, hujan deresssssssssssssss banget-nget-nget dari pagi subuh.
gue bangun solat subuh, ada 4 sms ucapan dari bude - @regyregoy - @axlaa - @ninidue. :)
terus bangun lagi karena kuliah, eh udah ada kue ulangtahun dari ibu :)
dijemput sama @regyregoy dan dikasih kadoooooooo :O:O:O:O


pas di kampus @kim_bnz @dyahbokiil @luckyta_allyza @putripangesti sok2gatau kalo gue ulangtaun, 
jadi sok2ga diucapin gt, tapi gue ga sadar -___-"


pulangnya malah langsung pulang, soalnya @regyregoy katanya mau main.
yaudahlah ya~
eh gataunya abis magrib curut-curut @regyregoy, @kim_bnz @dyahbokiil @anggatriyadong @ekoarief pada kerumah bawa donat j.co terus dikasih lilin hahahaha :)
too bad, ngga sempet difoto :/
dan mereka pun menghiburku sampai jam 11 malam hihiy x)
alhamdulillah, masih dikasih umur ya :)

xoxo,

tannya, I'm a happy girl. :)