Dear Kim Jonghyun,

I was listen to LOVE song by SHINee when the news broke out.

Yesterday was stressing, depressing and the most brokenheart day in my life as a Shawols.

SHINee is the reason why I am into Kpop, you guys, the reason on why my life seems brighter and happier for the past years.

SHINee will always stay as 5 in my heart.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

It was shocking, it was hard to accept the truth that now you’re part of the star in the sky up there. In the Diamond Sky.

So many thoughts across this mind on why and how. But again, I remember that you used to said that you’re having this illness. The Depression, its the incurable one. The dark thoughts that creeps and kills you unconsciously. The anxiety, insecurity of the imperfect things that never planned as you wish for, I guess?

I understand that even patience has it owns limit and so does negative things. It take a toll on you, right? It must be so hard  and too much for you to cope up and try to stand strong on no matter what the situation, until you decided to leave your family. To leave us.

Yesterday, this breath was hitch, it was cut off when I heard the news. Body was shaking so bad, fingers can’t explain how much it keep trembling for the next hours. Trying so hard to not cry a mess, trying so hard to accept the truth. There’s a slight of a wishful thinking, that maybe there’s this 1% of chance. But your body was too tired to survive.

So many signs that you actually left to us but fail to notice. And as always, regrets came later after we lost you. I should’ve known something is not right when you look sad in your last concert. I should’ve pay more attention to your lyrics, there’s so many hidden messages there. I should’ve known when you said you want to rest by the end of this year.

The mask that you’ve been wear all this time finally it break into pieces.

Dear Kim Jonghyun,

Was it okay if I assuming that you’ve been waiting to do this after The Leader’s birthday passing by? So we could celebrate his happy day first, right…?

Was it okay if I want to be selfish for this one time? Wishing that this was all just a joke and april fools and dreams and we’re all wake up with a happy feelings and nothing bad ever happened?

Do you remember that you’re the one who said that its not SHINee if its not 5 members? Because we all do.

We all now losing and missing and mourning and I’m sorry for crying a mess because losing the precious you. I know that all you want just us to move on and remembering your good days, good memories. I was lucky I’ve met and watched you before and you were so happy those times.

Now,

How was up there, Jonghyun-ssi?

I wish now you’re happier. And could feel the real happiness like how I felt from all the love you gave.

You did live well down here, Jonghyun-ssi. You did so many good things that uncountable, even after the death too. The angels up there must be happy counting on your good deeds. Oh also, Shawols said that now you’re part of the angels too.

SHINee got 4 members and 1 angel they said.

SHINee will always be 5. And Shawols will always be there. We… will try our best to stay and stand strong.

On a side note, you guys, SHINee is the reason on why I am into Kpop. But again, I am okay if you guys decided to never had a comeback or even a disband. So there’d be no scars, hurts and regrets that haunting. And to live freely as you wish for, as long that makes you happy.

Even in the next life, The Leader wish if he could back as SHINee then he would like the same members to fill the post. If there’s an afterlife after this life, I wish that would happen with a more happy and no more dark thoughts consuming and killing you.

The love that we had is an unconditionally one.

Those happy days, those wishful thinking to stay 1000 years~ to always by your side. They’re now gather as one in a Diamond Sky. The beautiful sky where only SHINee and Shawols does exist as one. The beautiful green rain that came from and for our lives, will remain as a good memory, and will always be the most beautiful rain and ocean that I’ve ever take a part of.

Imma’ take a moment to breathe and let those sad and worry feelings to go,

Need to stay strong for the rest of the members, right?

Just like one of your song,

So goodbye, don’t cry and smile.

This is not a farewell, this is not a goodbye.

We will meet again someday, somewhere.

With love,

Tannya Cantiqa, Dec 19th 2017. 

---

I post this on my Tumblr too.

Ending Page.

(I promise to an old friend to not being salty, but this is the last time, ok.)
(and this one, is dedicated to myself, as a reminder. to not live in shades of grey anymore.)

it took 6 years.

it took 6 years for a person to ruin a relationship.

it took 6 years later for me to realize that I had this blog post.

which ironically,

happened to me,

(almost, exactly or more) 6 years later.

its a bullshit when a person said that he loves you,

after he called someone else with a pet name.

(bitch, I knew we're both not the cute and romantic couple ever, but seriously? disgusting)

its a bullshit when a person said that there's no way he gonna ruin everything for someone else that (I believe) has a better appearance than the one that person already has.

even after a few weeks, 

even after I (kinda) found out the truth,

I don't think I really need to know the real reason of why that person do that horribly thing.

all the reason that you said to me.. you think I'm gonna believe that?

a liar will always be.

liar, liar.

after almost a year living in shades of grey, 

living in overthinking and feeling insecure,

(and I always believe that my guts, my feelings never gone wrong)

the truth finally unveils itself,

and I believe, I deserves to be happy.

to be happier than I already am.

1. please, make some boundaries.
2. before you do something, think first. was it okay if I do what you did?
3. I'm trying to take care of your feelings, I hope you do the same.
4. no need to kills me with the white lies. fuck secrets, you said to open up but fuck that too. just talk and tell the truth. I'm good.
4. I'm not being anxious and don't-know-what-to-feel-now for no reason, because insecurities kills. 
6. maybe I just don't give a damn anymore if the same thing or similiar pattern happen again.
7. because I deserves to be happy. in any kind of way.
.
.
.
.
.
.
sometimes, the colorful life could turn into grey, into ashes in a blink of an eye. - Tannya Cantiqa, 2017.

no, I may not the most saint person that you may know.

I will never forgive those who lied and hurt me.

maybe someday, 

time will tell.

its a lie if I say that it's easy,

it's hard, and it hurts so much.

I've grown attach and getting used to it,

but then that person just ruin everything.

as that person always said that we need to be honest to each other.

its a bullshit.

maybe this year were not meant for us, and so God finally gave the light to me.

or maybe God just don't have a heart to see me ; the naive me ; the super honest and nice me (in the past relationship with that person), living in grey for some times.

I always said that a relationship is a work for 2 people that involves in it. 

even after some fights I still have some faith,

to take care of that person heart, that person mind,

and because Karma does fucking exist.

but it goes wasted because that person ruined it,

because that person didn't care about my feelings ; my heart when that person decided to do that sin thing.

that low thing.

I will never blame those other person who come and go after that person. 

(since I don't know the truth, how many specifically)

I will never forgive them either, for knowing the truth about that person life and go stalking about me (this is the funniest part tbh) but still longing for that person's heart.

look, since a relationshit takes 2 head of a person that involves in it, I will never blame that bitch side or that person side. 

both sides are at fault.

and disgusting.

someone even said that I am lucky for having that person.

well, I was.

not after that person hurting my heart terribly and left a deep scar.

what goes around comes around.

hey,

I'm not being a big headed here but,

do you think you gonna find someone who gonna love you like I did?

do you think you gonna find someone else that could accept you for who you are? your flaws, your bad side, your dark side and other else, just like how I did?

do you remember when you said that you don't need a new person in your life because you need the one that understand you the most? that been with you through thick and thin?

fucking lies, bullshit.

well, good luck with that.

as I said before, its not easy to change everything.

especially when people and friends around you know on how long.

6 fucking years and goes wasted.

CTRL + DEL

won't let it rotten on Recycle Bin, right?

being loyal is a choice of your own life.

Can you blame me for being heartless when I had my fuckin’ heart ripped out? - Here Come The Regrets, Epik High ft. Lee Hi.

Nov 23rd 2k17,

The one who need a happier life than I had before, back to the square one.

Tannya Cantiqa.